Sh#@ People in DC Say

Harbin Hall and Masturbation: A Problem for Public Health

Okay, Hoyas. This announcement was posted in freshmen dorm Harbin Hall on one of its bulletin boards. HILARIOUS!!! However, it's more likely that this letter was a fluke meant to imitate similar ones posted in the showers of other universities. Good joke, though, whoever you are! 

RedTube on Campus?!?!

As if one porn scandal wasn't enough, did this event really happen? RedTube is like Youtube, but for porn, Hoyas. Did Georgetown really allow this lecture in the first place?

Quote of the Day

Lady Gaga may have a new set of "bones" in her latest incarnation as Mother Monster. Say what you want about her bizarre persona, d#!$, does that girl have a nice ass. Anyway, the quote of the day? Lady GaGa comments in an interview with Harper's Bazaar this month on moving to L.A.:

"I put my toe in that water, and it was a Kegel-exercise vaginal reaction where I clenched and had to retract immediately."

Osama Dead! Hoyas Gather with District Denizens at the White House!

The news of Osama bin Laden's death caught most of us by surprise. Hoyas swarmed with other DC denizens in front of the White House on the night of Sunday, May 1st. Election 2008 all over again? Remember the "run on the White House" that historic Tuesday night? Well, the Spirit sure does.

This whole situation seems rather fishy. Buried at sea? How are we supposed to 100% believe the hand-picked facts the Administration, military, and intelligence agencies report to us. Bin Laden may have been in captivity for weeks for his knowledge of covert information -- better alive than dead? We finished the Royal Wedding on Friday, and now the powers-that-be drop this bomb-of-a-story two days later. Hoyas, don't get swept up by the mob mentality and go crazy over this. In any case, this development will only increase Obama's approval ratings and will help to get him reelected for another term.

Osama bin Laden's burial at sea: critics range from 9/11 families to militants

How to stuff $79,600 in your bra, according to Leslie Johnson

Jack and Leslie Johnson, 2010 (Linda Davidson/TWP)

Last week, Prince George's County Executive Jack Johnson and his wife, County Council member Leslie Johnson, were arrested last Friday by FBI agents for "pay-to-play" bribery. 

Prince George's County Exec Jack Johnson, Wife Arrested

Spotted: Real Housewives at Fight Night/Knock Out Abuse Gala

So all of District society gathered at the Ritz Carlton Georgetown last Thursday for the annual Fight Night/Knock Out Abuse Gala, including the Spirit itself...and those scandalous Real Housewives of DC...We'll see if that bit will get featured on the next season. And oh...those God d$^# Salahis! Does everyone know that the Bravo film crew recreated some scenes following the Party Crash last year so they could feature a staged episode as part of the season?!

D.C. splits down gender lines for an evening of his-and-hers fundraising

Cher Looks Soooooo Good!

Hoyas, Cher is 64. She looks amazing! Here she is featured on the cover of Vanity Fair's December issue and will be starring in the musical film Burlesque alongside Christina Aguilera. The word on the street? Cher's three secrets to age-defying glamour?

(1) Do NOT drink alcohol. It ages you. (And stay out of the sun while you're at it.)
(2) Do NOT consume Diet Coke or any other product with Aspartame.
(3) Schedule several consultations with her gifted plastic surgeon. (The Spirit wants to know who did Florence Henderson's, aka Carol Brady, work as well; she is 76.)

Armageddon by Global Warming? Or by Our Immorality?

Christian Groups: Biblical Armageddon Must Be Taught Alongside Global Warming

The Kansas State Supreme Court recently upheld a public school's decision to teach the Biblical Armageddon alongside Global Climate Change. Hahahahahah!

Oprah Invites Hundreds of Lucky Fans to Be Buried in Her Tomb

Omg. Thank you to our friends at the Onion News Network. The Spirit died.

Bring back our pranks!

Thank you, Hoya, for the following article. More of you out there should be like you and kindly email the Spirit with little treats like this in your very own writing:

Bring Back Our Pranks!

While we’re all writhing and moaning about the tarnish these drug busts have brought to our reputation, consider this: why did they do it? By the looks of their parent’s lawyers, it certainly wasn’t for the money.  So maybe, just maybe they did it because they were smart kids with no other outlet for their ingenuity.

I’m just going to say it; Georgetown recruits some of the world’s best and brightest to study on the Hilltop, then puts them in a holding pattern for their entire first year. Upperclassmen, ask yourselves, "How much of my freshmen year was well spent--in retrospect?" With a few notable exceptions, such as Compass and Carroll fellows, students don’t face a real intellectual challenge until their sophomore or even junior year!

Now before you cry foul, I’ll admit that there is more to life than studying, and that’s supposedly what freshman year is all about. Meeting people from all over the world, exploring the city, joining a club, ect...But let's not lie to ourselves. For a substantial number of freshmen, it also means alcohol and drug abuse, with a side of minor criminal activity. Georgetown’s reaction has been in the past to crack down, and inevitably it’ll respond to this latest incident with more rules and stricter RAs than ever before. That plays a part.

Let me suggest an alternative: bring back our harmless pranks. MIT has an annual prank; Harvard & Yale have been going at it for years, and UVA has a longstanding tradition of streaking. Clearly, pranking and excellence go hand in hand, so what’s wrong with Georgetown?

To be clear, I’m not advocating anyone perform illegal activities (so no tunnels and no clock-tower), but there are many pranks that don’t involve breaking the law. Let's get creative! What Georgetown does with you is another matter, but then again, it beats getting busted by the DEA.

What does everyone think of Lady Gaga as a man?

Lady Gaga is widely known for her ridiculous, over-the-top outfits, but check out this look, Hoyas. Here is the "Queen of Twitter" dressed as a man for a photo shoot with Vogue Hommes Japan for their September issue.

Thank God For the Rape-aXe!

South African inventor Sonnet Ehlers, here in 2005, created an anti-rape female condom that works with jagged latex hooks that latch onto the skin of an attacker. (Guercia/Getty)

The Spirit just discovered this interesting invention which debuted this past June. The Rape-aXe was developed by a South African doctor after she had made a promise to women of a South African, indigenous ethnic group over 40 years ago. Similar in self-insertion to a tampon, the Rape-aXe's plastic and latex "teeth" will lock onto a man's penis the moment he inserts it into the wearer's vagina. South Africa is noteworthy today for endemic rape levels, although the country is not at war (e.g. the Democratic Republic of the Congo).

Jane Hoyas, think about getting some of these to protect yourself from those allegedly roofied drinks at the next Rugby Team party! Or better yet? What a great way to get back at your boyfriend and convict him of raping you! Part of the difficulty of claiming rape is the lack of evidence, but with the Rape-aXe, this problem is no more! Remember, rape is simply an issue of consent, and that can be difficult to prove if not in writing...so take advantage of the anti-rape condom!

South African doctor invents 'anti-rape' condom

Cherry cherry boom boom!

Lady GaGa has done it again! Such a flagrant supporter of the LGBT-community has put herself out for a lynching! Just kidding, Hoyas; the Spirit loves her. I would eat her out for all of you! After all, after watching her "Telephone" video we found out "she didn't have dick...Too bad!" :P >

So whatever happened about that noose in the Tunnels?

Photo Credit: Hip-Hop News Daily

 

Calling all Hoyas. Does anyone know what happened with that alleged noose that DPS found in the tunnels that run underneath Dhalgren Quad? Email the Spirit at spiritofthehilltop@gmail.com so that we can get to the bottom of this scandal.

GU Administration should clean house at DPS

 

So...a side comment...Andover? Wow, that ain't so bad, Hoyas. What a quaint location in which to be under house arrest! Isn't that where lesbian (allegedly) author Emily Dickinson resided? Oh, wait, that was Amherst, MA, but Dickinson allegedly studied at Mt. Holyoak College of Women. And what's with all those ambiguously lesbian authors anyway?

After doing some digging, the Spirit discovered that the Washington Post reported on Sunday that the tip-off for the DMT lab in Harbin 926 came from the questioning of students smoking a legal substance known as "K2." Therefore, the primary motivation for launching such an investigation was not, as Mr. Todd Olson suggested in his intra-University emails, due to "a strange odor." These students have good attorneys who will likely attempt to argue that DPS's search was illegal, and therefore, any such illegal evidence within Harbin 926 at the time of search CANNOT be used as evidence of a crime in the court of law. D#@&, you guys messed up! If these boys are let go, the powers that be will undoubtedly expell them "for any reason or no reason at all." "These boys, have deeply harmed the integrity and reputation of this upstanding university," university administrators may say. So, University officials, if you really want to undo the damage this whole incident has really caused, you must FIRE the leadership of DPS and CLEAN HOUSE--just like any other corporation would for any particular department with an elastic labour supply. Ugh. The Spirit is out of breath. Have a happy Friday, Hoyas.

Congratulations, Kelly!

 Above: An alleged photo of Baltazar retrieved via Google and sourced from Facebook.com.

With stories about you and your activities on the commercial internet publications, including NBC Washington and TBD.com, the Hilltop is being further soiled and dishonored.

Another Drug Bust At Georgetown University 

Georgetown freshman Kelly Baltazar arrested for marijuana

Georgetown freshman arrested for marijuana

CHTV takes the "Walk of Shame" to a whole new level...

Thank you, College Humor TV for another hilarious documentary of a common campus phenomenon of 21st-century, casual hook-up culture.

Those hippies at Middlebury...

This is funny. The Spirit is happy to remain on the Hilltop. Let's get with it, Hoyas. Calling all Hoyas to make a funny, white-rapper video!

"Cool kid at Georgetown University" dishes a little wisdom

Thanks, Joe, for imparting your words of Hoya wisdom. Now even non-Hoyas may understand us just a little bit better.

First-ever live poll allows political pundits to pander to viewers!

Here's another hilarious, totally-untrue story from our friends at the Onion News Network. Thank you so much for the laughs! :D

Justin Bieber found to be cleverly disguised 51-year-old pedophile

Hoyas, the Spirit died when it saw this. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen of the Onion New Network for this hilariously farcical story!

"But he grabbed me and told me I was his special angel..."

Has everyone seen Seduce Me?!

Oh, Isabella Rossellini. We loved Green Porno. "Is he seducing me?! What am I? A bedbug?!" All of this seems poignant in light of those terrible bedbug infestations in University housing. Try using the Green Porno Name Generator to find out your own nickname (e.g. Lord Red Irish or Daddy Longleg). Oh, dear, Hoyas...

"That's why I want my vagina."

Spotted: Freshman Kelly Baltazar allegedly in possession of cannabis

According to Vox Populi, the blog of the Georgetown Voice, Freshman Kelly Baltazar was arrested Tuesday evening by the D.C. Metro Police Department and charged with "unlawful possession of and intent to sell marijuana and the sale of drug paraphernalia." Some speculate that this incident is related to the Georgetown DMT Scandal, which occurred in the same dormitory. In the Spirit's opinion, the whole Freshman class should be re-evaluated by the Department of Admissions in order to protect against further defamation of the University's reputation. Hopefully, our U.S. News & World Report ranking will not plummet. In other news, the McDonough School of Business was ranked 4th in the nation for its M.B.A. program. Congratulations, Slytherin.

Breaking: First-Year Harbin Resident Arrested by MPD

Harbin freshman arrested for “use of a controlled substance”

DCPS should be tried under the Federal Common Rule for violating research ethics protocol in its Hardy Middle School Study

 Above: A copy of the first portion of the Metro Teen AIDS survey
Photo Courtesy: The Georgetown Dish

Ugh. If I were a lawyer, I would be compiling a lawsuit against DC Public Schools and Michelle Rhee (by association) for its criminal study conducted at Rose L. Hardy Middle School in Georgetown. By the way, this study was not simply for the purposes of sex education, but its statistics may have been used for academic research. The study, conducted by Metro Teen AIDS, was headed by Adam Tenner, and violated a number of federal legal stipulations of research ethics under the "Common Rule," which include the following:

(1) Failure to receive assent and consent forms from students and parents (of said students).

(2) Deception of the anonymity of the study's survey after a parent complained to the school and was subsequently returned her child's survey (even though the study claimed these surveys were anonymous).

(3) Unjust and unproprietous/inappropriate survey design (e.g. the first question concerned advanced, nuanced notions of gender that are generally considered inappropriate to make aware to 12-year-olds).

(4) Failure to notify parents that such a study was even being conducted in the first place.

 Photo Courtesy: The Georgetown Dish

The Lewis & Clark Whorehouse, allegedly...

The corner of 36th St. NW and S St. NW, Washington, DC, 20007. This site allegedly used to be a bar and brothel in the days before Burleith became the "slave" quarters for 20th century servants who worked for upper-class Georgetowners. This establishment was allegedly the last stop Lewis and Clark visited before they set out on their famous expedition into the wild, blue yonder of the American West. Get it, boys!

Georgetown is lowering its standards

Oh, dear. The freshman class has not only a pornstar (aka Mayli "love you longtime"), but a whole floor of guilty-by-association felons. In recent news, two freshmen, Charles Smith and John Romano, in Harbin Hall were caught concocting what was thought to be Crystal Methamphetamine (but what turned out to be DMT...aka Ayahuasca - the natural MAO inhibitor + the world's most "paranormal" hallucinogen from a natural source). Currently, Smith and a friend from Richmond, Virginia, John Perrone, are facing criminal charges of conspiracy to manufacture and possession with intent to distribute. The Spirit thinks Georgetown should be rethinking its 2011 Campus Plan to increase Undergraduate enrollment by 2,000. With cases of unpropriety and criminal activity such as these, the Spirit will be rethinking its alumni donations. Hear that, GU Alumni Relations?!

"October 23, 2010

Dear Members of the Campus Community,

I am writing to update you on today’s evacuation of Harbin Hall.  The evacuation has now ended and students are returning to the building.  All residents remain safe and campus is operating normally.

As you may be aware, we evacuated Harbin Hall early this morning after the Department of Public Safety and District of Columbia Metropolitan Police Department (MPD) responded to calls complaining of a strange odor on the 9th floor.  Our actions today, as in any emergency situation, were directed by law enforcement authorities – in this case MPD and D.C. Fire and Emergency Medical Services Department.  We know that residents of Harbin Hall experienced inconveniences by not being able to access their living space for most of the day and we are grateful for their cooperation.

We appreciate the many friends and colleagues who worked to assist temporarily displaced students throughout the day.  Provost O’Donnell has consulted with academic leaders on the Main Campus and asked for their help to support students whose weekend has been disrupted.

The Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) has confirmed that an illegal drug, Dimethyltryptamine (DMT), was being produced in one residence hall room and was the cause of today’s incident. Please know that the DEA has informed us that there was never a health risk to students in Harbin, including those on the same floor, beyond those who lived in the room.  Hazardous materials experts have now removed all potential contaminants.  

The use, production and distribution of illegal drugs are issues we take very seriously and are violations of the student code of conduct.  MPD has arrested three individuals, two of whom are Georgetown undergraduates.  They remain in police custody.

Law enforcement authorities continue to actively investigate this incident, with our close cooperation.  If any member of the university community has information in connection with this incident, please contact the Department of Public Safety at 202-687-4343.

We appreciate the work of the many individuals, including the University’s emergency response team, who worked to meet the needs of students and ensure the safety of our community in responding to today’s incident.

Sincerely, 

Todd A. Olson, Ph.D.

Vice President of Student Affairs"

And here's the other email:

"Dear Students  -- Please find below a message that was sent to the residents of Harbin Hall that I am providing to you as an update to a situation on campus.  We will provide an update to the entire campus community later today.

Thank you for your understanding.

Thank you for your patience as we experience an unexpected disruption in your residence hall today.  As you are aware, early this morning Georgetown University's Department of Public Safety (DPS) was notified of a strange odor on the 9th floor of Harbin Hall.  DPS notified MPD and officers responded to the scene, confirmed that possible methamphetamine production was taking place in one residence hall room and contacted the D.C. Fire Department.   DPS began an immediate building evacuation as a precautionary measure.  Local law enforcement authorities remain in charge of the situation and are informing our actions.   We are now awaiting the arrival of a team from the Drug Enforcement Agency, which could include hazardous materials experts, to further address the situation.  We are awaiting their all clear sign for students to reenter Harbin Hall.  We recognize that this is causing inconveniences and have made arrangements for you to access Lauinger Library and Leo’s without your GOCard if needed.  You also may want to be in touch with your parents to inform them that you are safe.  An investigation into this situation remains ongoing and we will provide you and the entire campus community with an update later today as more information becomes available.  Thank you for your ongoing cooperation as we work to resolve this situation. If you have questions this afternoon please contact the Office of Student Affairs 202- 687-4056.

Todd A. Olson

Vice President of Student Affairs"

Todd Olson, your name is now officially Google-searchable.

Mayli love you longtime!

So by now everyone knows about the freshman who was dumb enough to do the amateur porno. Congratulations, Mayli, for turning 18! You've ruined your Georgetown reputation and have officially burned your social status. Oh, darling, you have your own direct link to Facialabuse.com at maylifacialabuse.com. But God love your facial shot... You've given a whole new meaning to the term "cum-boarded." I wonder if they did that to the detainees at Guantanamo too?

"You've got a 44-year-old cock fucking fanging your fucking tonsils."

The Japanese have done it again...

A humanoid robot named "I-Fairy" (C) acts as a witness at the wedding ceremony between Tomohiro Shibata (L) and Satoko Inoue in Tokyo May 16, 2010. The couple decided to use the robot, which conducted the ceremony with its audio functions, from Inoue's company to perform the witness' duties as they first met due to common work interest related to robots.
Credit: REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

 Check this out, Hoyas. The Japanese are at it again with the robots. Seriously? Plastic pigtails? This is getting kinky. 

"I do" goes high-tech with Japan robot priest

No big d$#@s for Indonesian police

This is just weird, Hoyas.

Police barred from penis enlargement

I think there's something in the water in China...

 

A Chinese police officer demonstrate the use of a 'police restraint stick' long-handled poles with a hook on the end, to subdue a man playing the role of an attacker at a middle school in Beijing Thursday, April 29, 2010. Security measures have been stepped up after a spate of attacks on schools over the past three days. (AP Photo) (source)

What the hell is happening in China these days?! This must be one of the omens of the Apocalypse. See the story of the latest stabbing:

Chinese man stabs children in Kindergarten, 31 hurt

Spotted: Joe Hoya gone wild

'Tase Me' Screamer arrested outside Fashion for Paws

OMG...the Washington Examiner published this story. The Screamer even said, "I go to Georgetown, I work at Google and I am going to have you all fired." Nice one, Joe. Probably not a good idea mixing Lithium with alcohol.

Dean Kaneda is our man!

• The demand for Mitch Kaneda is perfectly elastic. 
• Mitch Kaneda started this recession to remind you that Mitch giveth and Mitch taketh away. 
• Could Mitch Kaneda write a midterm so difficult that Mitch Kaneda couldn’t pass it? 
• Mitch Kaneda can pronounce the letter “R,” perfectly; it’s just scared of him. 
• Mitch Kaneda is willing to change unfair grades, but he never makes mistakes. 
• If you didn’t do the reading, it’s because Mitch Kaneda didn’t want you to. 
• Mitch Kaneda doesn’t understand the Prisoner’s Dilemma…he takes no prisoners. 
• Currency has value only because Mitch Kaneda believes in it. 
• Mitch Kaneda’s only weakness is karaoke. 
• Mitch Kaneda knows you’re sleeping in the back; did you know he’s sleeping with your girlfriend? 
• Mitch Kaneda does hold regular office hours—you just weren’t invited. 
• Mitch Kaneda managed to convince you that tariffs are inefficient so you wouldn’t be suspicious of his new car. 
• Mitch Kaneda once won a staring contest with the Mona Lisa. 
• John Nash wasn’t schizophrenic; Mitch Kaneda was just fucking with him. 
• Mitch Kaneda fucking hates matching pennies. 
• The Wall Street Journal reads itself to Mitch Kaneda. 
• The cover art for Econ textbooks comes from Mitch Kaneda’s dreams. 
• Mitch Kaneda could draw an indifference curve, but he just DOESN’T GIVE A F*#$. 
• Aren’t you glad Mitch Kaneda assigned that problem set so that you have something to do while he finishes up with your girlfriend? 
• Infant industries need protection because Mitch Kaneda is hungry. 
• Mitch Kaneda considers your mom a large open economy. 
• Put your hand down…Mitch Kaneda asks the motherfuckin’ questions around here. 
• Mitch Kaneda won two infinitely long games. 
• Mitch Kaneda once lost a Mitch Kaneda lookalike contest for being too good-looking. 
• Mitch Kaneda doesn’t have to give tests—he’s been testing you all along. 
• Mitch Kaneda doesn’t apply for grants; grants apply for him. 
• Mitch Kaneda has a Ph.D. in Kicking Ass.  And Economics. 
• Mitch Kaneda has never lost a game of Russian roulette. 
• Mitch Kaneda is always Pareto optimal.

OMG Green Porno

 "If I were a mantis..."

This is probably the funniest series of short videos ever! Green Porno began a year ago, and now it's in its third season. Isabella Rossellini, you're so f*%#ing weird, but God, love ya.

Green Porno

Money Laundering 101

Is the Spirit the only one who wonders how sketchy stores on Wisconsin Avenue (e.g. the Western Store which sells novelty IDs) turn out a profit? Listen up, MSBers, because here's the 411 on money laundering. So you have $1000 in crack money. With walkie-talkie cellphone in hand, you jump on the metro from Anacostia to Foggy Bottom. Walk up Wisconsin Avenue. Enter one of these little, sketchy shops. Pay $1000 for a pair of cowboy boots. 3 months later: get a $1000 rebate with your purchase of a cowboy shirt. Voila! Now the Spirit is not pointing its ghostly finger at any store in particular, but just some food for thought next time you order a greasy pizza from Cafe Romeo's.

The Twighlight Dildo

 

  "The Vamp" by Tantus

Okay, Hoyas, think you're really a Twilight fan? Yeah, you're not that hardcore until you order yourselves one of these Twilight-inspired adult toys. It sparkles just like a vampire would, and you can put it in the freezer to get that ice cold vampire feeling. Ah...taking reading to a whole new level. This is ridiculous. 

As Robyn commented on the manufacturer's website:

What I really wanted was an ice-cold penis in my needy vag, so I put it in the fridge. I put it in the fridge, and it froze to my labia for an hour. Mind you, I came like a geiser, but it was very awkward to explain to my dog.

And in the words of another anonymous commenter:

I bought one of these Vamps because I have been reading the twilight series for the past 4 years and I have wanted nothing more than to feel a rock hard sparking dick inside of me. So much that I have made my boyfriend tape his dick inbetween his legs and wear the vamp instead because I like it that much more. Of course I wanted more of a feel for it so after reading these reviews I went ahead and put it in the freezer. I love nothing more than to pretend that my boyfriend is a glittering fucking vampire sliding his marble cold dick inside of me. I suggest that anyone who likes vampires get this product. My boyfriend was really hesitant at first but I think he likes roleplaying now, I think it makes him feel more masculine being a sparkling creature. I'm hoping that they come out with a Jacob one for him to put on. I just will have to figure out a safe way to heat it up to 108 degrees without burning my vagina. The one downside to this product is, I wish that if left my vagina sparking afterwards.

Spotted: Geet with Adrian Grenier

Get it, girl. The Spirit is starstruck. But I hear the real Mr. Vince Chase is a huge prick. Guess that's the way these things go. Entourage may be the dude's Sex and the City, but who ever said they'd want to date one  girls? I mean Sarah Jessica Parker had that mole, and Cynthia Nixon was playing for the other team. Well, that's bangin' you got to meet a celebrity! Hollah back, Geet! Say hello to Lindsay for me too...well, more like send her my prayers. Talk about a train-wreck. Oh, and, Adrian, lose the Holiday weight. K, thanks. K, bye.

Georgetown alumnus and the PR "terror"

Okay, Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal, fellow Hoya and benefactor of our Muslim-Christian Understanding Center, your wife may be way hotter than you, but she obviously wants that title (and a marble toilet too). Let's hope you can hold down one wife, instead of the traditional four, and I wager that your children will look better than your father's. Burn... Yet it seems you have some style, however, with your ethereal stallion and "Kingdom" of a mega-yacht. 

But really? If we are to judge a gentleman by the company he keeps, it looks like you're a white-washed, narcotics-abusing, pedophile. Joseph Trento's article isn't the first report alleging your terrorist ties, either. These Hilltop secrets run deep, Hoyas...because this would mean that Georgetown University accepted dirty money soaked in civilian blood and carbon emissions. Hoyas, "you know it's thriller."

Quote of the Day

"Remember that Roald Dahl book and movie Matilda with Mara Wilson? Remember how she could cook herself pancakes at age 3 and take solo trips to the library at age 5? Well, Erwin's not like that. Besides, she had telekinetic powers."

Soviet Union came crashing down via E

 The Spirit heard this esoteric story from a trusted and well-respected source...Back in the 1980s, when MDMA was unscheduled and legal, the Federal Analog Act (1986) was still under wraps, and the National Institutes of Health (NIH) was investigating this drug, an NIH worker had some Soviet generals over at her townhouse while they were here on business. While sitting in her hot tub with them, she offered them some of the MDMA she had from the NIH (the NIH was giving MDMA out to researchers and psychotherapists at the time as well). Several weeks later, she gets a call from Moscow from one of the generals, asking her if she could send over some of the stuff they had tried. She ships like a pound of it overseas. These generals give this recreational MDMA out to all of the upper Soviet hierarchy. Conclusion: allegedly, you can attribute, on a 1st image international relations level, the singular or multiple experiences of MDMA of these Soviet politicians and military personnel to the introduction of perestroika and glasnost. Is it true? The Spirit doesn't know either, but it is a valid conspiracy theory.

Furthermore, today, ethnic Russians (both in Russia itself and throughout the old Soviet Union) are thought to control a large share of drug production and distribution, with help from different ethnic groups (e.g. the Azerbaijanis in the case of synthetic drugs). Traditionally, local people in the Eastern European transit countries (i.e. Ukraine, Poland, Slovakia, Lithuania) would assist in the smuggling of illicit drugs across the Continent. This continues to happen today, but as a domestic market for E (MDMA) emerges in many of these countries, local criminal gangs are taking a greater control of the local drugs trade. Much more evidence would need to be collected to confirm any kind of Ecstasy-Soviet conspiracy, but either way, the world is a very different place today than it was back when MDMA was legal. 

E-bama!

 Just Say O

If Obama were as popular as the E-bama, the Nobel Committee would have wiped his ass! This story was from back in December, but it's worth revisiting because...well, just look at those funny Obama candies. Ridiculous.

President Barack Obama’s approval rating may be hovering in the 50%, but that doesn’t mean America’s Commander-in-Chief isn’t catching on with new constituents.There is now a line of Ecstasy pills made in the image of the 44th president of the United States, according to Texas police who have snatched a batch off the streets. Ecstasy is known for a sense of elation, diminished feelings of fear and anxiety, and ability to induce a sense of intimacy with others. Perhaps a good Election Day strategy to get out the vote? A stash of the brightly colored tablets was found Monday during a south Texas traffic stop. Police in Palmview detained a driver after finding black tar heroin, cocaine, marijuana and several Ecstasy pills in the back of his car. The drugs look like a “vitamin for kids,” police spokesman Lenny Sanchez said.

Has anyone actually told you not to recycle?

Out of our Nalgene bottles and into our post-consumer recycled pizza boxes and on our receipt for those Nantucket Reds from V.V. Stop recycling pizza boxes and receipt paper! Well, maybe you never did to begin with. Some of us have an over-recycling problem I guess. Well, that nasty chemical B.P.A., which can cause you medical problems (e.g. cancer), neurological damage, and overall mental retardation, is part of the composition of these products. B.P.A. paper gets recycled into pizza boxes and B.P.A.-treated receipt paper saves your grocer the hassle of ordering printer ink cartridges. 

Ah, does it not unsettle anyone else, Hoyas, just how many arbitrary decisions were made by our ancestors regarding environmental justice in the context of a businesses evasion of externality costs (e.g. leaded petroleum)? Yeah, so this little issue was just on my mind. I don't think the world is ending or anything. Haha! Next time you recycle, think twice. This isn't about the earth. This is about your f*%#ing personal health. The life you save may be your own.

Oh s#%@! It's on the inside of our canned foods too! I guess we have to stop eating those too!

Quote of the Day

"Does anyone else have such an intense dream that you feel like you've died and come back to life when you wake up?"

No celebrities allowed!

There is a reason why the Ivory Clocktower does not admit celebrities any longer. For starters, can you see Nicky Hilton fitting in here?! Here, Hoyas, is a tale of Georgetown Lore for ye who hath pondered this Hilltop phenomenon.

So, it all started back when Ivanka Trump was admitted as an undergraduate. During her junior year, she transferred to Wharton. Well, that's the official story. The unofficial story involves one live-in boyfriend, a dog, and a stint in Village C West. And, yes, she was a big partier too...but she is actually a legitimate, focused, ambitious, driven career woman (i.e. Ivanka Trump's Plan for Total World Domination). So after Ivanka departed, the University said, "Enough of these celebrity shenanigans. We're done with it." When Nicky Hilton applied to the College years later, the Office of Admissions said, "Sorry. We do not admit celebrities." 

This University is so elitist that we ban tabloid trash from co-mingling with the bright future captains of industry. I love it! I love it! I love it! Yes to Samaa bin Laden. Yes to Christina Schwarzenegger. Yes to Prince Philippos, and yes to Joe Biden's niece! Besides, just look at the types of kids who go here...These kids have got to be virgins. But I love all of them just the same...because they are Hoyas, and I will hire them someday. Ahhhh :P Suck a fat one, Joaquin Walsh.

"The Georgetown Hoya in his natural habitat..."

So, Hoyas, the Spirit has a confession to make. I didn't use to be an elitist ass$@#! before I settled in this quaint colonial-Brigadoon village with no metro station, pesky cobblestones, neighborhood ordinances, and slow tourist-pedestrians who won't get out of my way. But things have changed. Every time we Hoyas venture out into commercial Georgetown, we feel like the subject of a Discovery Channel special:

"Ah...the Georgetown Hoya in her natural habitat," Tim Curry narrates, "Watch closely and behold this fragile creature. With a Vineyard Vines tote and pasty pale skin, she has learned to brave these disheveled brick sidewalks in 3-inch heels. Armed with her Saxby's British Islander and a bottle of Klonopin, she can handle any situation on these streets. Well...I hope that homeless man stops chasing after her. Do you think this one goes to Georgetown University? Could she be a Hoya? How divine."

Oh my God, we are so tired of making eye contact with strangers (What are sunglasses for?!) and being gawked at by that PG County family window-shopping on a Sunday at the Coogi (What the hell is that, btw?) store on Wisconsin like we're some limited edition, "Ivory Tower" Barbie Dolls complete with Hunter rain boots. Can't a Hoya just wear her Hermès scarf and Prada loafers in peace?! And whatever happened to those post-church donuts or Sunday morning brunch? God, I'm such a tool, but I feel entitled. 

P.S. Btw, is there a colloquial word for those African-American lesbians with dreadlocks? They all look the same. No, seriously.